So I haven’t really been using tumblr much since the past month because I mainly use my ipod for Internet and I hate using tumblr on it..so I just don’t use it, but I decided its time for a post. So I’ve been thinking about my life a lot lately and how I need to be more active with just every aspect of it. I hold myself back from doing things that I am sure as hell capable of doing and what doesnt help is that I keep going back and forth in my head about the things I could be doing that Im not. I have one side that wants me to just play video games all day and not worry about anything unless its my acne and the other side of me wants me to giddy the fuck up and get a job to make some money and to just have somewhere to go to get out of the house and walk around. I’m more controlled by the side of me that just doesn’t want to take the step up to doing something else. I just really want to get out of this mind funk where I feel like if I am not good enough to do something different or to overcome my fears and feeling like everyone is going to judge me where ever I go and decide to do or not do. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go to college..but down the road I do think I will know better of what it is I could possibly make into a career, and if it doesn’t happen then oh well. I just need time and even if I don’t ever take classes for something I at least want to get a job to keep me busy when I feel like I’m sitting around too much. I know most people aren’t so conflicted when it comes to getting up and getting a job but when it comes to my thought process I’m overly over thinking and worrying about all that could go wrong and not what could go right. Another factor that doesn’t help with me attempting to get a job is that I have no license or car and I just wish that I wouldn’t have skipped out on drivers Ed or getting my permit when I had the chance to. It just seems like everything I do in life is wrong and like I’m just destroying myself in every choice I’m presented in life. If I could have my stubborn feelings of fear and anxiety just taken away from me for just enough time, then I’d get whatever shit I had to get done and then go from there..but that is not how it works with me. I’m not ashamed of myself or embarrassed but I feel like if I don’t fix what I need to fix then people are always going to throw it in my face or hint at me about how worthless or pathetic I am since I don’t have a license or job. I just want to do something right for once and I want this year to be the year that it all starts going right. I am just tired of knowing that if something happened to Scot and I had to drive to go see him at the hospital or help him, I’d have no way there because I never got a license or even learned how to drive! I know I’m limiting myself I just don’t know how to stop being the way I am, I feel like I’m being controlled by a higher being or force - except it’s me. Am I mentally ill or something? I just don’t know. I’m also tired of going to family events or just any social event and having people ask me about what I’m up to in life or what my goals are or where I work or what I plan to do with my life, because the only thing I know to say back is “well…I don’t have a job (yet), I don’t go to college, but I am a good person and my goal is just to be happy in life.” I just hate how judgmental people are..even if I did get a part time or full time job that still wouldn’t be good enough for others because everyone finds a way to insult me or make me feel bad whether it be my bad teeth, my acne, just anything. I’m scared of the world because I am scared of myself. I know this long rant won’t matter to anyone but it feels good being able to say my thoughts on a public site. I can’t tell people in real life why I think the way I do or why I don’t do certain things with my life because no one understands why I am the way I am and I honestly don’t understand myself most of the time either, but I wish people wouldn’t make me out to be worthless for not accomplishing the same things that they have in life, I may be in a different direction that isn’t as great as someone else but that doesn’t mean I’m a less deserving person of anything or a worthless human being. I’m obviously here for a reason and I don’t need to know that reason right now. Why can’t people just like me for who I am and not what I do with my life? Guess ill never know. Anyways end of rant..going to play some video games and wonder why Scot is not back yet…:(!