So I haven’t really been using tumblr much since the past month because I mainly use my ipod for Internet and I hate using tumblr on it..so I just don’t use it, but I decided its time for a post. So I’ve been thinking about my life a lot lately and how I need to be more active with just every aspect of it. I hold myself back from doing things that I am sure as hell capable of doing and what doesnt help is that I keep going back and forth in my head about the things I could be doing that Im not. I have one side that wants me to just play video games all day and not worry about anything unless its my acne and the other side of me wants me to giddy the fuck up and get a job to make some money and to just have somewhere to go to get out of the house and walk around. I’m more controlled by the side of me that just doesn’t want to take the step up to doing something else. I just really want to get out of this mind funk where I feel like if I am not good enough to do something different or to overcome my fears and feeling like everyone is going to judge me where ever I go and decide to do or not do. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go to college..but down the road I do think I will know better of what it is I could possibly make into a career, and if it doesn’t happen then oh well. I just need time and even if I don’t ever take classes for something I at least want to get a job to keep me busy when I feel like I’m sitting around too much. I know most people aren’t so conflicted when it comes to getting up and getting a job but when it comes to my thought process I’m overly over thinking and worrying about all that could go wrong and not what could go right. Another factor that doesn’t help with me attempting to get a job is that I have no license or car and I just wish that I wouldn’t have skipped out on drivers Ed or getting my permit when I had the chance to. It just seems like everything I do in life is wrong and like I’m just destroying myself in every choice I’m presented in life. If I could have my stubborn feelings of fear and anxiety just taken away from me for just enough time, then I’d get whatever shit I had to get done and then go from there..but that is not how it works with me. I’m not ashamed of myself or embarrassed but I feel like if I don’t fix what I need to fix then people are always going to throw it in my face or hint at me about how worthless or pathetic I am since I don’t have a license or job. I just want to do something right for once and I want this year to be the year that it all starts going right. I am just tired of knowing that if something happened to Scot and I had to drive to go see him at the hospital or help him, I’d have no way there because I never got a license or even learned how to drive! I know I’m limiting myself I just don’t know how to stop being the way I am, I feel like I’m being controlled by a higher being or force - except it’s me. Am I mentally ill or something? I just don’t know. I’m also tired of going to family events or just any social event and having people ask me about what I’m up to in life or what my goals are or where I work or what I plan to do with my life, because the only thing I know to say back is “well…I don’t have a job (yet), I don’t go to college, but I am a good person and my goal is just to be happy in life.” I just hate how judgmental people are..even if I did get a part time or full time job that still wouldn’t be good enough for others because everyone finds a way to insult me or make me feel bad whether it be my bad teeth, my acne, just anything. I’m scared of the world because I am scared of myself. I know this long rant won’t matter to anyone but it feels good being able to say my thoughts on a public site. I can’t tell people in real life why I think the way I do or why I don’t do certain things with my life because no one understands why I am the way I am and I honestly don’t understand myself most of the time either, but I wish people wouldn’t make me out to be worthless for not accomplishing the same things that they have in life, I may be in a different direction that isn’t as great as someone else but that doesn’t mean I’m a less deserving person of anything or a worthless human being. I’m obviously here for a reason and I don’t need to know that reason right now. Why can’t people just like me for who I am and not what I do with my life? Guess ill never know. Anyways end of rant..going to play some video games and wonder why Scot is not back yet…:(!

Okay so I know I haven’t tumbled much lately, so here’s a post. I’ve changed my whole diet around since three days ago. I am not eating any refined sugars, soy, wheat, rye, dairy, red meat, salty/sweet/spicy foods, and have been ignoring any and all inflammation causing foods. My diet consists of grapes, blueberries, blackberries, brown rice, broccoli, spinach, bok choy, chard, apples, pears, a lot of water, green tea, cranberry juice, prune juice, green split peas, lentils, pinto beans, black beans, kidney beans, fish oil and flaxseed supplement, multivitamin, antihistamines, calcium supplement, and I think that’s it. And the only acne I’m experiencing are the acne I get from laying on my face at night and I haven’t gotten any weird or random new ones yet! I still have active acne from before my new diet, but at least if this diet doesn’t help my skin..then I’ll at least be healthy on the inside. So I’m feeling pretty great about my new diet. I don’t feel guilty or worried about what I eat anymore and I feel revitalized. It’s hard to think that I have gone three days without dairy, I’ve always had dairy once a day.
Of course ill eat dairy sometimes but I’m not going to incorporate it into my daily diet because that is so unhealthy. Plus dairy isn’t very natural it all has to be processed to even taste good and has hormones and shit in it. I get that it comes from a cow but I’ve done my research and of it wasn’t consumed in the Paleolithic age then I’m not eating that shit every day lol. Anyways..today I’m going to get ready to go to Skyfall with Scot and then go to Walmart and get some red wine. It’s good for ya :D 1 cup a day the doctors say. Anywho…going to make some food and hang with my girl Kristin on xbl. Later. (:

Man I am so hormonal right after and right before my period, and it doesn’t help that I am breaking out really bad. Just started getting a bad cyst on the side of my eye and its yapping on the other eye too. I don’t get why I’m getting cysts there, but its really pissing me off and making me look like a mutant. It’s so unflattering and it hurts..I just want those cysts to go away. I’ve been really down the past few days and Its hard to be happy about something that makes me look like shit and feels like shit. Whatever. I need to not think about it and just occupy myself with things that aren’t upsetting me. Going to play happy wars on xbl, that’ll probably just make me rage more but oh well.

What I should be expecting to see in the mail this week.. :)

New Ipod Gen 5 White With This Case :)

i’ve had 3 alcoholic drinks today..i am trying to get drunk because im severly depressed. i would say why im depressed but im sure eventually itll blow over and ill regret posting about it. just thought i’d tell you guys what’s up with me at the moment, hope everyone else is happy and SOBER. lol.

OH! Another thing…I bought my own shoes with the money my grandma left me for my inheritance, and bought these 139 $ shoes for walking/running/etc! These are the first shoes I’ve ever picked out that I like..which are bought by me! SO EXCITED. They’re coming here in like 3-5 days! And an update on my drinking..lol, I haven’t had anything to eat so I’m already kind of tanked from my first two drinks..lol, I should probably eat..but I’m enjoying it too much. XD

Here are the shoes I bought!!!!

Just bought 2 six packs of Bacardi Silver Raz and Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade. 

Gonna enjoy the night with my man and play video games..and drink of course. :D

So my new years was great because not only is Scot back, but we saw The Hobbit (which was amazing) and bought a large pizza from Old Chicago. We also played a shit load of Happy Wars together on Xbox. We were going to celebrate the new year with some wine, but Walmart didn’t have any..so we were going to buy two 6 packs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but Scot’s license wasn’t renewed so we couldn’t get it. I was livid and so was he..lol. I was more livid about not being able to drink it, and he was more livid because of the fact that they denied him alcohol when his license clearly states that he has a birthday over 21..(he’s 23)..and that his photo id clearly was him. It makes no sense that they won’t take an expired license for alcohol..when all they need is to see is your age and photo id. Stupid bitches at Walmart, I tell ya. So we brought in the New Year great otherwise. I’m thoroughly pissed at my skin though and my bangs. My skin is getting better and worse in some spots, but I have a shit load of zits and blackheads all over my nose..and I never have that happen, and my bangs were complicated as fuck to keep all the same length. They were going every which way and were just ugly as hell..I don’t know why they turned out so funny the last two times I’ve tried wearing my bangs down, they were literally perfect when I worn them down on Christmas day..which was only a few days before I started having problems with them. Anyways..here is a picture of me ffom yesterday. It is with my hair down and straightened (and ugly ass bangs). I did not edit the picture, so here’s my acne in all its glory lol.

Had a good birthday week with Tess! Miss her already. I also miss Scot..he’s driving to Ames as we speak, he’ll be here in an hour and a half..and I can. not. wait. !! I hope he likes the gifts I got him. I bet he’ll love how clean and tidy the apartment is even more lol. So excited..and it’s odd because I forget how it feels to have him around, and it’s only been 3 days. Tomorrow we’re seeing the Hobbit in theaters and going to buy some wine or other alcohol to drink to celebrate the new year! I know I’ve been slacking on updating about my acne..and I have gotten to the point where it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to..and definitely does not consume my life. It gets worse and better at the same time, so I take that as a sign that it’s my initial period breakout and also from eating bad foods this past week..AND the cold weather. Welp..I might clean off the counter-tops a little and munch on some carrots and prune juice while I wait for him to arrive. :P

At home alone..Scot just left for his almost 3hr drive back to Dyersville, and then he’s going to his flight to Texas tomorrow for his bestfriend’s wedding. Tess is going to be staying here for a few days, starting tomorrow! I’m excited, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her…like 5 months or more? It was summer when I last saw her..so season wise - it’s been a while. I’m cleaning like crazy, not just because Tess is coming..but because it’s long over due. The people who lived here before Scot made a complete mess of everything, and so not only do I have to clean up everything nasty in the bathroom from them, but from Scot and I too. The shower will be hard to clean out, because the hard water and lime..etc, sticks to it and so there’s a lot of hair and grime in there..but I’m going to do my best to clean them. I don’t know if I’ll have time to do all the dishes tonight, I’ll probably clean a few bowls/plates/cups. We don’t have a dish washer or dish drier, so it’s kindof hard to clean everything quick and all at once. Hand-washing takes forever with dishes. So for the next few hours I’m going to be cleaning and organizing..I’ll probably mess up the shower after I use it, because my hair will probably fall out and stick to the floor..so it may be a waste to even clean it in the first place..but whatever lol. Hoping to be in bed by 1 and waking up around 9, and then expecting Tess to get here around 11:30-12. Can’t wait! (-:

So Scot’s mom let us know of short notice that she’s having her Christmas today at 6 p.m. I was not ready for this and clearly my skin, hair, and eyes are not ready for it either. Of course I want to go..,but she could have picked a better day..like Christmas day lol. We might not be able to go back, because Scot recently forgot to take his card out of an ATM machine when he was in a hurry, and he had to cancel it, and so his new credit card was mailed to his house in Dyersville..but not the pin code, and the only money we could use to get back to Dyersville today is on that card, but he has no pin to use. He’s going to check at the ATM machine to see if he can use his old pin number for his new credit card. I’m pretty sure they give new pin numbers no matter what. I feel bad that I’d feel somewhat better not going back today, but I do really want to see them all..today is just the worst timing ever. So that’s all I really have to say..